Monday 25/06/07
The infamous diet post
So this Friday we’re off to Madrid for Europride (or something). I’m going with Scott, Donnell, Jimmy, Brendan and about a thousand other people we know from going out in London. Funnily enough I’m not really in the right mood to go, but it seems to be the thing to do and I’m not one to resist peer pressure. Everyone else is going on Friday and coming back on Monday at the earliest, but I’m actually flying back on Sunday, because I want to have a good rest before I have to go back to work on Tuesday (it looks like it might be a very trashy weekend). Every time I mention this to someone they look devastated, because I will miss Space on Sunday afternoon/evening, but I’m really not going to get upset about missing some party, you know? I’ve been to enough. Anyway, that’s what’s happening this weekend and hopefully I will have lots of debaucherous stories and pictures to post on Monday.
Anyway, moving on, I may have hinted on my odd eating habits on here before, but I haven’t posted my actual diet. And I know that everyone wants to develop a self-harming eating disorder, so here it is – this is what I have every day:
0830: Protein shake before you leave home. Try to buy the most inexpensive protein you can find. It really doesn’t make a difference, let’s be honest it doesn’t do anything anyway. So go for dirt cheap.
0930: A couple of bananas when you arrive at the office. Bananas taste horrible and they’re fucking dull, but at least they don’t rot your teeth as much as oranges or other acidic fruit does.
Occasionally, allow yourself to eat a peach or something, but always use a knife, fork and plate. Take all this equipment to your desk and make sure that your colleagues see you when you dissect the fruit in strict geometrical shapes which you then stuff into your mouth without letting them touch your front teeth. This technique will make everyone in the office think you are mental and your boss will hesitate before dumping any more work on you (to avoid a nervous breakdown).
1100: Can of tuna at 1100 on the dot. Eat straight from the tin. Do not use any seasoning. Look smug. Again, eating this in public view at your desk will work wonders for your career.
1300: A couple of chicken breasts, some low fat cottage cheese and maybe some tomatoes.
Between 1400 and 1730: Having eaten no carbs in the day so far, by this point you will be starving. I know that there is always somebody in the office who just came back from New York with three boxes of Oreos and left them on the microwave for “everyone to share”, but please do refrain.
Sometimes, when I get really desperate around that time, I have some toilet paper. Toilet paper has no nutritional value whatsoever and you can have as much of it as you like. I find that two sheets soaked in water a) go down easily and b) work a treat. Unlike the other meals, please do not consume these in public view because it is generally frowned upon by office folk. Just lock yourself in the toilet and eat.
